N.S.V.

"I still sometimes feel like a loser-kid in high school."

~Lady Gaga, The Monster Ball Live at Madison Square Garden

Throughout the duration of this entire week, I felt totally unbalanced, and by that I mean the mental, physical, and spiritual were not in alignment. My anxiety was high due to the party, but I felt "it" creeping back in. By "it" I mean the depression, which really makes no sense at all. I truly have nothing to be depressed about, but its bizarre because the moment I feel really good, I think I have it beaten. Don Henley said, "The wolf is always at the door," and its so true. The worst part about this week was the fact that I lied to everyone. I didn't lose any weight this week, in fact, I gained .8, but I've been telling everyone that's what I lost. I am so ashamed, and frustrated because I honest to God did NOT cheat... I wrote everything down... I pointed correctly... and I worked really hard to get the seventy-one points per day in... I did what the Leader told me last week, and didn't really do to much fruit, so I would eat other stuff to get the points in. I used regular blue cheese dressing, but I pointed it. I took pepperoni bread, and rainbow cookies to a friend's house, and just drank coffee... I went to Wendy's, got a salad, and again pointed everything. I even went back to the gym this week... and still, I gained. Aside from the weigh-in, I do feel good about myself, I don't feel so bloated, and disgusting, but I just can't face my other friends who are doing the program... I am  beyond embarrassed because they are all having these wonderful scale victories... eight pounds, five pounds, two pounds... and I feel like they are looking at me like what am I doing wrong... or he's probably lying, and cheating... but the truth is I am not... I wish I was, but no. Last night was the first night I treated myself, and had cheese steak pizza... a slice and a half, and I was good. My aunt said that maybe my metabolism isn't working as fast as everyone else's because of being laid up with the foot, which is a possibility. I keep trying to wrap my head around it, but the truth is... I can't. Everyone's body is like a snowflake... different, original, and unique. Today I am moving forward, and looking at last week as an N.S.V. a.k.a. Non-Scale Victory. This is my journey, and I think I want to start only sharing things here because this is the place for my thoughts... free of judgement and speculation.