Gotta Have It!

 

Jennifer Haigh's Faith is another prime example of why I thoroughly enjoy being a part of a book club because this is yet again a piece I would've never tackled. This is one of those tales that keeps you up into the late hours because you are thrust onto a roller coaster ride of emotions--one moment you utterly despise and loathe Father Breen for what the evidence presents to you as him being a predator of children. Then, in another instance, you find your heart bleeding for him... taking pity on this poor, wrongfully accused man of the cloth. The family dynamics throughout the work are also extremely interesting with the sibling to sibling relationship versus the parent to child one. I found myself having empathy for the father, who drank himself into oblivion... The mother and Mike's wife were definitely people I would not socialize with, and even Mike came across a bit too self-righteous for me just because he was a "man's" man or a "lady's" man. Did that justify his extramarital affairs that were all in the name of "helping" his older brother? The narrator, Sheila, is an excellent detective, and would definitely make Jessica Fletcher proud! (Yes, I just dropped an Angela Lansbury reference!) 

One of my dear friends, and former co-workers used to live in Boston; thus, hearing her debunk and clarify certain instances, such as the storm to all the counts of child abuse that went unaccounted is interesting. Again, the story within the story. 

The writer also made Massachusetts feel like a character in and of itself throughout--I truly felt transported to that amazing state, as well as taking a "long pull" on a beer. 

6/100

Different Eyes, Still Golden

 

"I've been thinking about... that poem, that guy [Robert Frost] that wrote it, he meant you're gold when you're a kid, like green. When you're a kid everything's new, dawn. It's just when you get used to everything that it's day. Like the way you dig sunsets, Pony. That's gold. Keep that way, it's a good way to be" (Hinton 178).

~S.E. Hinton, The Outsiders

Its always interesting to revisit the classics of one's own adolescence, and S.E. Hinton's The Outsiders is no exception. In truth, I only fake-read this piece when presented to me in middle school, which had to have been seventh grade. I remember not being able to stand the class I was in, nor the individuals in it. Unlike previous room set-ups, each student was mixed up and placed at a table. This was to encourage a stronger group dynamic, but I still can't shake the image of one of the larger girls bullying me, and forcing her ring into my skin to leave the jewelries indentation on my flesh. I too called the Socs the "socks." Reading really didn't interest me at the time because I was too involved in my own day-dream-like haze just to escape the bondage of my entitlement via F.A.P.E. (Free Appropriate Public Education). I am happy to report that yes, I finally read it, and yes, I thoroughly enjoyed it. 

Naturally, any mention of Darry evoked images of the great, late Patrick Swayze from the film... the sad reality of the story is that in the nearly forty-five years since its publication nothing has really changed. Obviously, we don't call ourselves "Greasers" and/or "Socs," but class warfare definitely still exists. Probably more on a minority based skill, but its still here. What also hasn't changed, and we are seeing this a lot with LGBT youth who are continuously being bullied, is that kids are throwing their lives away because they feel worthless and not validated. One of the reasons I love Oprah so much is because she recognizes this, and always says, "You matter." I wish I was there to tell both Dally and Johnny this because they both were a lot alike. They were both fearful, lost, scared, and terribly tragic. Johnny's sacrifice in the end was not an act of redemption, or an eye-for-an-eye... Johnny was protecting Ponyboy, and had nothing to prove. Though I do not agree with killing or violence, I do believe that defense is compulsory and that's exactly what Johnny was executing. 

I think the most amazing part about this tale is the fact that Hinton was still in high school when she wrote it, and her reverence for Frost feels commonplace since she would've been in school when he passed in '63. The story within the story is always the most unique! Its also interesting to go from first reading this story with the eyes of a seventh grader, and now re-reading it with the eyes of an almost-thirty-year-old man. Different eyes, but still golden. 

5/100

Women Food and God... and sometimes Men!

 

"I don't believe in inner children. I do believe that there are frozen places in ourselves--undigested pockets of pain--that need to be recognized and welcomed, so that we can contact that which has never  been hurt or wounded or hungry" (Roth 7-8).

~Geneen Roth, Women Food and God

Another long, over-due review... this is becoming the story of my life, and I am not even employed. Hopefully that will soon change. 

I, like everyone else in America, DVR'd the Oprah episode that declared you would never have to diet again, etc. thanks to the wisdom of Geneen Roth's bestseller. The quote above is the one that lingered with me the most throughout the book, which was part self-help, but also something more... self-discovery. When you embark on a journey within, for whatever reason and mine just happens to be food, you realize that you are a lot like an onion and until your time as the person you are on this planet has ceased, you will continuously be peeling back the layers. Tennie McCarthy is infamous for uttering, "Trust the process," and that's exactly what this piece is--another part of the process. I found the cat story very entertaining, in which she realized you cannot please everyone and bad things inevitably happen. I also loved how she pointed out that sometimes the meditation doesn't help, as well as trying not to eat on top of your pain, which is something I am extremely guilty of. She also made light of the pain her parents had brought her. By the end, I didn't feel like I was being counseled by some high-being-know-it-all-food-guru, but what I did feel like was that I was receiving honest, open information from a friend. 

4/100

Whitney

Sometimes

there are no words

Only 

memories and moments

Life

a snapshot frozen in time

and We 

become our experiences

I remember the first images

youthful joviality and exuberance 

a purple rag fashioned in a bow

atop her hair like her predecessors 

Madonna and Cyndi Lauper

the embodiment of the eighties

"I Wanna Dance With Somebody"

would become a staple 

at our parties 

upon Newt's request 

I saw my grandfather crying, again

as The Bodyguard came to an end

Kevin Costner in a sling

Whitney's character, Rachel Marron 

started out as a royal bitch

but was ultimately humbled 

by Costner's Frank Farmer

I believed in this love story

Black and White 

no longer existed 

in boundaries, undefine

The video for "Heartbreak Hotel"

fur coats floating in foamy waves

cascading across the surf

guided by songs of sorrow

the mink 

a metaphor for fame

Diva's Live

and several years had passed

since my grandfather cried

I heard that song again 

timeless and soul-shattering

the words were simple

but only that voice 

could convey 

the message

"I Will Always Love You" 

the show stopped

as if put on ice

then slowly melted

into the warmth of 

the promise 

that voice

that voice... 

The People 

will remember 

that voice 

not what silenced it

The People 

will remember

though my heart 

still in disbelief 

The People 

will remember

The Ugly Duckling became the Black Swan

A friend of mine text me to tell me that someone had said that I was a pretty attractive person, and they never really seen me that way before the other night. Perhaps its the new hair cut, and at first, I just thought "Oh God" and I said the thing we all say to ourselves... "was I ugly before?" Instead, I told the friend thank you, and I embraced the complement. When we spend a large portion of our lives putting ourselves down, we truly don't know how to handle a complement... I always remember something my first boyfriend told me. It was a very low-blow statement, which basically echoed the sentiment that he didn't choose me based upon my looks... and ironically, to look at him, I didn't choose him for his either... and at the time when I did date him, I was so scared he would break up with me, and I actually believed that I would forever be alone because who would want me? Its so sad that I thought this way, but so many of us do. And to answer the question... I want  me, finally! And just remember... the Ugly Duckling became the Swan, but in my story he became the Black Swan, which I believe to be even more stunningly beautiful. And by beauty, I mean all the things you can't see... 

The "F" Word

"Nothing tastes as good, as thin feels!"

~W.W.

...and by thin, I mean lighter. I feel lighter in every aspect of my being, and I say that because such lightness tells me that I am truly ready to fly. The Journey feels so different this time because the old me, on the last wagon, would not have been happy to say that yes, I lost .8 lbs. this week, but the new me, who I always was, and have always been striving to become... celebrates it, as opposed to thinking "I only lost..." My new work-out plan has played a large portion in my new reverence for life, but I am also remembering to walk my meditative mile, and really try to dismiss the negative feelings. Do I still get in my car and call someone a "motherfucker?" Absolutely, its a process remember! I also decided that since thoughts are things, and words originate from thoughts that I will no longer call myself "fat," "fat ass," or any other phrase involving the "f" word because I think that's been my safety net to retreat into old behaviors. Am I still gonna enjoy the sweeter side of the food spectrum? Absolutely because I am not dieting... I am re-programming my life. Also, in reading "Women Food and God," I am attempting to really make peace with my body, especially my stomach because we need to work together... Its a triumvirate--Mental, Physical, and Spiritual--that makes up our being. Looking forward, I am gearing up to get my taxes done, figure out financial aid for school, and continue working on my novel... it may have done a three-sixty, but it still needs to be born this year! The stress of bills is still here, and will always be here, but I have accepted the fact that everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason, and its not my place to question it... Instead, I am embracing it, and I know that it will all work out in the end~  

Side Note--How nice was it to go weigh-in last night, and the new lady working behind the desk say to me that she's always glad to see me come in because I am always happy... that means a lot.

Re-Programming

"I'm NOT Josie Grossie anymore!"

~Drew Barrymore, Never Been Kissed

I was very proud of myself today because I not only attempted to push myself a little bit harder at the gym, especially by starting an exercise program a friend made for me, but I also came to terms with certain realities. Although I do enjoy my gym, I would be lying if I said it didn't provide me with some anxiety over the fact that a lot of people I went to school with go there, and I was anything but popular. I keep holding onto that kid in high school who was bullied, picked on, and made to feel completely worthless and undeserving... I wanna fight for this kid. As I was listening to my Sylvia Browne "Meditations" audio book on my iPod, a woman stopped me on the track just to say hello, and remind me that she worked for the dentist office I used to go to when I head insurance. This woman is the nicest person in the whole wide world, but please don't ask me her name... her name is not important. What is important is the fact that she made me realize that although yes, I get stink-eye from some former classmates, ninety percent of the time I am greeted by nice people in there... people that want to say hello... people that didn't know that high school kid. I also made the realization that maybe its me--maybe I am projecting that negativity into the atmosphere when I go there. I need to re-program my brain because I will never be that vulnerable kid you got to bully...