Whitney

Sometimes

there are no words

Only 

memories and moments

Life

a snapshot frozen in time

and We 

become our experiences

I remember the first images

youthful joviality and exuberance 

a purple rag fashioned in a bow

atop her hair like her predecessors 

Madonna and Cyndi Lauper

the embodiment of the eighties

"I Wanna Dance With Somebody"

would become a staple 

at our parties 

upon Newt's request 

I saw my grandfather crying, again

as The Bodyguard came to an end

Kevin Costner in a sling

Whitney's character, Rachel Marron 

started out as a royal bitch

but was ultimately humbled 

by Costner's Frank Farmer

I believed in this love story

Black and White 

no longer existed 

in boundaries, undefine

The video for "Heartbreak Hotel"

fur coats floating in foamy waves

cascading across the surf

guided by songs of sorrow

the mink 

a metaphor for fame

Diva's Live

and several years had passed

since my grandfather cried

I heard that song again 

timeless and soul-shattering

the words were simple

but only that voice 

could convey 

the message

"I Will Always Love You" 

the show stopped

as if put on ice

then slowly melted

into the warmth of 

the promise 

that voice

that voice... 

The People 

will remember 

that voice 

not what silenced it

The People 

will remember

though my heart 

still in disbelief 

The People 

will remember

The Ugly Duckling became the Black Swan

A friend of mine text me to tell me that someone had said that I was a pretty attractive person, and they never really seen me that way before the other night. Perhaps its the new hair cut, and at first, I just thought "Oh God" and I said the thing we all say to ourselves... "was I ugly before?" Instead, I told the friend thank you, and I embraced the complement. When we spend a large portion of our lives putting ourselves down, we truly don't know how to handle a complement... I always remember something my first boyfriend told me. It was a very low-blow statement, which basically echoed the sentiment that he didn't choose me based upon my looks... and ironically, to look at him, I didn't choose him for his either... and at the time when I did date him, I was so scared he would break up with me, and I actually believed that I would forever be alone because who would want me? Its so sad that I thought this way, but so many of us do. And to answer the question... I want  me, finally! And just remember... the Ugly Duckling became the Swan, but in my story he became the Black Swan, which I believe to be even more stunningly beautiful. And by beauty, I mean all the things you can't see... 

The "F" Word

"Nothing tastes as good, as thin feels!"

~W.W.

...and by thin, I mean lighter. I feel lighter in every aspect of my being, and I say that because such lightness tells me that I am truly ready to fly. The Journey feels so different this time because the old me, on the last wagon, would not have been happy to say that yes, I lost .8 lbs. this week, but the new me, who I always was, and have always been striving to become... celebrates it, as opposed to thinking "I only lost..." My new work-out plan has played a large portion in my new reverence for life, but I am also remembering to walk my meditative mile, and really try to dismiss the negative feelings. Do I still get in my car and call someone a "motherfucker?" Absolutely, its a process remember! I also decided that since thoughts are things, and words originate from thoughts that I will no longer call myself "fat," "fat ass," or any other phrase involving the "f" word because I think that's been my safety net to retreat into old behaviors. Am I still gonna enjoy the sweeter side of the food spectrum? Absolutely because I am not dieting... I am re-programming my life. Also, in reading "Women Food and God," I am attempting to really make peace with my body, especially my stomach because we need to work together... Its a triumvirate--Mental, Physical, and Spiritual--that makes up our being. Looking forward, I am gearing up to get my taxes done, figure out financial aid for school, and continue working on my novel... it may have done a three-sixty, but it still needs to be born this year! The stress of bills is still here, and will always be here, but I have accepted the fact that everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason, and its not my place to question it... Instead, I am embracing it, and I know that it will all work out in the end~  

Side Note--How nice was it to go weigh-in last night, and the new lady working behind the desk say to me that she's always glad to see me come in because I am always happy... that means a lot.