Nothing Left To Lose

"I'm gonna make it... you know why? Because I have nothing left to lose."

~Lady Gaga, Marry The Night

I keep imagining myself, as I always have, being interviewed about my book... I think of all my idols, and how they were nothing, but their dream. I've heard so many talk about their "authentic self," and that is the road to success... I know I have a long road ahead of me, and I will have to return to the working world. If I said I were unafraid, I'd be lying. I'm terrified, but these debts need to be paid... I'm just scared that I am going to return to light speed, and abandon this dream I carry everyday with me in my pocket. But in the end, this dream thing is all I got... I don't want a husband... I don't want children... I'm an artist... I want my freedom... I want to go places that not just anyone can reach... 

I blasted "Edge of Glory" before the weigh-in tonight, my first on this new, but familiar journey. My anxiety has been really bad because I've been stressing about the number... What if I don't lose? What if I lose too much? All those questions, and more have been racing through my mind. I was happy with the two-point-six weight loss... I don't want to lose it too fast, and this time around, I want to do it all right... from the eating to the work-out. I want my body to change because I need it to be strong to carry me through my dream. The leader tonight said, "Welcome home," and I felt like I was, but home doesn't necessarily have to be a place. For me, home is my future dream... I'm twenty-eight... I've been bogged down by bullshit for too long... My foots feeling better, so I decided to save myself the hundred bucks for Dr. Feelgood to tell me I'm just fine... I haven't really been able to sleep because of stressing about the weight, as well as the possibility of Gram going to a party on Saturday, hosted by my "parents" for my dying uncle's fiftieth. Gram had to call her sister to call her daughter to get the invite. I told Gram she was opening Pandora's Box, and she had no clue what I meant. At first, she thought I was calling her a "whore." I finally explained the analogy, but I know it fell on deaf ears. Whatever she decides, I can't stand in the way of her relationship with anyone... not even her daughter... not even her daughter who was so horrible to her, got the ten thousand bucks to start her business, and forgot all the people that were there (me included), and that's why I have to live in my dream because its the only thing I got, and the only thing I can depend on. 

I am gonna make it because I have nothing left to lose...