M.M.M.I.

"Dreams are today's answers to tomorrow's questions."

~Edgar Cayce

Whenever you join any kind of weight loss program, the first question they ask you is... Why do you eat? Boredom, depression, happiness, and the list of answers goes on... For me, I definitely eat for all the reasons I just listed, and some. I keep re-reading my previous entries, and seeing that I mention my mother a lot, then I was going through old poems to put on the Poetry page, and I came across this: 

Gaze upon my visage with daggers of resent; 

the bi-product of half your life was not time well spent

My Effigy, the chain 

burn... burn... burn... 

19, so frail

42, so frail 

3's a crowd

4's a fuck over

I think I was nineteen when I wrote that so this piece is from '02 or '03... so basically, I got Marshall-Mathers-Mommy-Issues, and I think I was eating because I was hungry for her love. It does break my heart, especially having so many amazing friends who are older women with children, and I see how much they love their kids... they are all different people, from all walks of life, but at the end of the day, they would fight tooth and nail, sacrifice everything for their kids. They would never choose anyone over their kids, not even their husbands! I sit back, watch, and admire them... But I always wonder why? Why am I not worthy of this? My mom gave me up so that I could have a better life because she was in a very unstable living situation, and I never held that against her... she was always in my life, always attended just about every event, and if she couldn't be there, she made it up to me somehow. She was always good to me in that sense. Then, I come to now... and am just perplexed. 

Also, I feel ashamed and guilty to have these feelings because I had a very great life... my grandparents were beyond good to me, and you would've never known they didn't give birth to me the way they treated me. I was their son, and their grandson. The running joke with my peeps is "Everybody LOVES Steven," but its so true, then I feel guilty for wasting so much of my life grieving for her, especially the last year... I was eating on top of my feelings because it was too hard to face them, and its still hard to face them now. Feelings... whoa, whoa, whoa... Feelings... I also think to myself--so many people out there have it a million times worse, and I have no right to bitch. Count your blessings, but we don't always do that when we are lost in our own great depression... 

My life's pretty much an open book, but I reveal what pages I think will help people, and today, I feel like I really helped myself. The fact that I re-joined Weight Watchers tells me the one, and most important thing... that I MATTER, and that I care about myself enough to take care of myself...   and this is my mantra for the New Year. Its not about weight loss, its about living--the addictions always gonna be there, til the day I die, but it will not be the reason I die. I want to live... I am going to live because I have finally chosen life!